“For thy soul be not ashamed to say the truth. For there is a shame that bringeth sin, and there is a shame that bringeth glory.”—Ecclesiasticus (Sirach) 6: 24-25
I was young and foolish; vain in the chase and ways of the world who, when things went wrong, perceived great tragedy; and of truer threat and trials: neither thought nor feared at all.
I was ashamed, a bender and night-high and after-effects of actions that played as broken pieces in memory. I was a different person when I drank. I still would be; and that’s a reason that I ceased: to deny a side of me I could not control; and the longer I live, the more I learn and find needing tempered.
Maybe I will one day. Maybe I’m getting close, but then, I was far from where I desired to be, and ashamed of where and who I was.
“There’s no reason to grieve over what is already done, as if remorse can erase actions already lived. All you can do now is make the next right move,” my father told me. “We all do dumb things. It’s how we learn. Sometimes you have to cross a line to learn the reason why it’s there. You’re lucky you didn’t get flattened by a freight train,” he joked even in conciliation.
“I’m just ashamed,” I spoke.
“That’s good. You should be,” he answered. “Now, what are you going to do with it?”
He rose from his seat, leaving lit cigar on edge of outside table as he went indoors and returned with a book.
“It’s a story of Wisdom,” he spoke holding the book low before him as he opened and began to read standing:
“For she walketh with him in temptation, and at the first she chooseth him. She will bring upon him fear and dread and trial: and she will scourge him with the affliction of her discipline, till she try him by her laws, and trust his soul. Then she will strengthen him, and make a straight way to him, and give him joy, and will disclose her secrets to him, and will heap upon him treasures of knowledge and understanding justice. But if he go astray, she will forsake him, and deliver him into the hands of his enemy. SON, OBSERVE THE TIME, AND FLY FROM EVIL,” he spoke with rising force and emphasis, “For thy soul be not ashamed to say the truth. For there is a shame that bringeth sin, and there is a shame that bringeth glory and grace. Accept no person against thy own person, nor against thy soul a lie. Reverence not thy neighbor in his fall: and refrain not to speak in the time of salvation. Hide not thy wisdom in her beauty. For by the tongue of wisdom discerned; and understanding, and knowledge, and learning by the word of the wise, and steadfastness in the works of justice. In nowise speak against the truth, but be ashamed of the lie of thy ignorance. Be not ashamed to confess thy sins, but submit not thyself to every man for sin. Resist not against the face of the mighty, and do not strive against the stream of the river.”[i]
He placed the book down, and open before him on the table as he returned to seat and drew again from rested cigar, its gray embers restored to flame and glow as he held its smoke before breathing out and into keeping cloud.
“You aren’t the first, and you won’t be the last, to fuck up…It’s kind of the human story, and it’s the fuck ups that make it all interesting. It’s our errors and falls that give opportunity for redemption and rise. It’s when we’re lost that we find adventure; stumbling into quests and purose we would otherwise never choose.
Sometimes, it’s as if these trials choose us, setting us up by fall and misstep so that discern and receive all the trial gifts in possiblity.
You messed up, but that’s the interesting beginning, not the end, to the story. What will you make it going forward?
…Before, you had the lie of thy ignorance: but no more. Now, you know better. God has a plan. God has a reason. Do not resist the stream of the river beginning you on course.
Society today likes to coddle and delay adulthood. It’s the delay and idleness that creates so many falls and after shame, but—today—your idleness is over.
Today you make movement to becoming a man.
Own your error. Own your shame: and as the passage said, there are two types: one towards sin and another toward glory and grace. Which will yours become?
You have a lot of life ahead,” he told, “and we all get our ass handed to us when we step into life’s ring. Our beatings are lessons too. It’s not about never getting knocked down. It’s about learning whether and how you rise.”
I kept silent in his telling, listening to received guidance in beginning toward salvation. My father’s mind went to another history, a word on which another book dwelled entirely, and how the meaning of its interpretation determined how a history would forever be perceived.
He was a lover of words, a lover of stories, and knowing it from a book I just read, he spoke the ending, beginning, and purpose of the whole story in one word.
“Timshel,” he spoke, smiling as he saw me contemplate the meaning of its speaking. “Life, shame, sin, redemption: thou mayest make of it as you choose. Choose wisely. Choose Wisdom. She is heart’s truest guide.”
_____
I am still an imperfect man. I know my sins; confront and bring them before the almighty. I do not hide Wisdom’s beauty, nor hold my tongue (or more so pen). I write as she inspires.
Shame that bringeth sin, that is the easy one: hiding in what is history and habit. Shame that bringeth glory and grace: that is the challenge: when soul is touched, affected, and challenged to become more.
Timshel. We will what shame becomes.
[i] Ecclesiasticus (Sirach) 6: 18-32